hmm, just thoughts

There are times that this life becomes absolutely tough and the light at the end of the tunnel is out of reach, or so it seems. I have not only faced a hard year so far but one that has felt as if I was walking alone. Like the Footprints story, I asked God 'where were you when I needed you most? Where is the one set of footprints and your hands carrying me through?' There were dark days I couldn't handle and anyway, who said I had strength or ability to?

I started out praying through my storms, I cried out my sorrows to the Lord. I told Him to come and carry me. And then I waited. And waited. Did He show up? Yes, in the time I expected it? No, not really but in the time He saw as the perfect moment. I had walked away so far. I became the prodigal. I told God through my actions that He was not enough, I needed someone else. I could get what I needed elsewhere. This is what my actions spoke aloud.

After all this, I return to Him and declare that I was completely wrong and asked for forgiveness. I still need to work on my relationship with Him and build it once again but He took me back. I don't want to be stale, or mediocre.I want to thirst after God...even after I have been broken so badly. Its only Him that can heal me..Its only Him that can bear my pain, understand my sorrows and heal my soul. He only is the one who understands the language of tears.

I remember one time specifically as I sat in church listening to the Pastor then worship time came. I knew I had fallen deeply into sin and now had to face Him about it. I sat and just stared far past the choir and the pastor. The feeling I had was unbearable and all I could do was bow my head. I couldn't pray, I couldn't utter one word to God. I just put my head down and my tears just flowed down my face and I said nothing. Shortly after that moment, I dried my face and honestly felt as if God had already lifted the burden that lay so heavy on my heart.

It was amazing that I didn't even pray and He came. I finally understood the scripture that talks about the Spirit interceding for us when we can't pray. That was me, that was where I was....

Its still a struggle now but am working hard to see that the devil does not steal what God has given me and the relationship we have. I know I have given space to the devil because of my vulnerability but no more, I want no more of that. God is it...

Mamite Neu Cheiso in my language, kalenjin, means there is no one like Jesus. This is so true...